Health-Conscious Santa Kicked The Milk & Cookies And Left Behind Informative Pamphlet

RealClear Staff


     As another Christmas passed, many children were left charmed and chipper over the toys and sugar plums St. Nick left behind. But he left a little extra for the kids of Montclair, New Jersey—at least one of them. Not only did Chris Cringle pass on the milk and cookies, he included an informative pamphlet on the benefits of being vegan!

[Source: Hard Times]

“I went to see if Santa ate his snickerdoodles and milk,” Eight-year-old Abigail Stevens said while clamping onto the overtly graphic North Pole-themed vegan literature. “But it looks like Santa’s not touching that stuff anymore. He, like, really wants people to know about it.”

When viewing a page of the pamphlet, Stevens saw an illustration of reindeer penned in factory farms. This was an indication it was published by the youth-oriented animal-rights outfit, PETA2.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to make of this pamphlet, to be honest,” Blake Stevens (Abigail’s father) said. “It’s got all these gory pictures of polar bears and elves. They could have at least made it a coloring book.”

“Ninety percent of the impact of manmade climate change would be eliminated if the world adopted a vegan lifestyle,” the surprisingly thin Santa Claus said.

Not only did Santa arrange for his elves to aid PETA2 in the publication’s preparation, he held a press conference to declare his change in diet. (A non-bias fact-checker was unable to verify the claims.)


“Look, I’m not trying to harsh people’s mellow. I’m just saying, it takes, like, 125 gallons of water to produce just one glass of milk. Do you know how much strain that puts on our environment?” Mr. Claus asked rhetorically. “If the North Pole melts—no more Christmas. Maybe leave out some almond milk and some Oreos next time, huh, buddy?”

Claus closed with a claim of his trademark, red outfit being freed of fur. Any and all future suits would be composed of sustainably sourced material. Additionally, at the time of the press conference, The Stevens were enjoying their traditional-Christmas ham dinner—Santa’s cookies were saved for dessert.



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