Cracking the Whip: 11 Things We Demand from the New Indiana Jones Movie
It's official: "Indiana Jones 5" is a go, with Harrison Ford back as Indy and Steven Spielberg directing. Ford will be 77 when the movie comes out in 2019. Mr. Spielberg, here are some helpful suggestions.
1. Keep George Lucas Away
By armed Stormtrooper, if necessary. We love George Lucas -- he has created some of the most memorable characters and movies of our time. But when he sold LucasFilm to Disney, that included the "Indiana Jones" as well as "Star Wars" franchise. Just as we know the older George Lucas would have made a mess of "Star Wars: The Force Awakens," we have no doubt his meddling would make "Indy 5" worse.
2. Push That Ford's Peddle to the Mettle
"Star Wars: The Force Awakens" showed us that Harrison Ford has still got it at age 74. Signed to "Indy 5" now, he'll be 76 when they film and 77 when the film comes out. Advice from this corner: Let it all hang out, don't hold back: This will be Indiana Jones' last ride. Let's make it great!
3. Careful, Steve, Don't Drive Off the CGI Cliff
We know Steven Spielberg loves all his cutting edge cinema tools, but just as the new "Die Hard" films have disappointed because of the over-abundance of CGI effects, "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" fell apart in the second half in the South American jungles that only exist in Ones and Zeroes. Mr. Spielberg, a reminder: Part of what makes Indy films great are the good old-fashioned stuntwork.
4. Lawrence Kasdan, We Need You
At 67, screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan is in the prime of his career. His script contributions for the "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" reboot were fabulous. Kasdan wrote the original "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (1981), and co-wrote the screenplays for "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back" (1980; the photo above is from that set), as well as "Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi." Kasdan is already attached to write the Han Solo "Star Wars" spinoff, but we bet he'll find some time for Indy if Steven Spielberg calls.
5. Indy HAS to Crash a Plane
We already know that's one stunt a 70-something Harrison Ford can do himself!
6. Apocalypse Indy?
The first three Indiana Jones movies were set in the 1930s. "Crystal Skull," made two decades later, was therefore set in the 1950s. That means "Indy 5" will naturally be set in the 1960s. What will the plot be? Indy looking for an ancient Vietnamese artifact during the Vietnam War? Will there be hippies? Civil rights protesters? Will Indy be delving into conspiracy theories of the assassination of JFK? Inquiring minds want to know...
7. Choose Wisely: Dump This Guy
At the end of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" (2008), Indy's son, played by Shia LaBeouf, apparently inherited the mantle of future "Indiana Jones" movies. Say it ain't so!
Never fear, Indy fans, consider this done. Not only has LaBeouf's career gone down the tubes since "Crystal Skull," thanks to the actor's sometimes bizarre behavior, but he pretty much burned his own bridges when years later he said, "I feel like I dropped the ball on the legacy that people loved and cherished. I have a relationship with Steven that supersedes our business work. ... I would never disrespect the man. But when you drop the ball you drop the ball."
To which Harrison Ford replied about LaBeouf's comments: "I think he was a fucking idiot."
8. Instead, Bring Back Short Round!
Hold onto your potatoes! We love Short Round, Indy's able helper from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" (1984). And we'd love to see Jonathan Ke Quan back in the new film -- if even for only a cameo appearance. He's only 44 -- still a kid compared to Harrison Ford!
9. And Maybe Throw Tom Selleck a Bone
Most of us know by now that Tom Selleck was originally cast as Indiana Jones before CBS wouldn't let him out of his contract for "Magnum, P.I.," meaning producers had to scramble and get Harrison Ford (above is a screen grab from Selleck's audition tape, which went very well). Selleck is still playing the tough guy, as NYC police commissioner Frank Reagan in another CBS show, "Blue Bloods." Hey Steven Spielberg, how about a supporting role in "Indy 5"?
10. New Love Interest: Helen Mirren
It's not like a 77-year-old Indy can have Jennifer Lawrence as a love interest, right? Indy needs a love match from someone as big a star as Harrison Ford, with as much charisma as Ford, and can believably kick ass. Ladies and gentlemen, might we suggest Helen Mirren? Did you see her turn as an international assassin in "Red 2" in 2013? Brilliant.
11. Indy in His 80s? Uh, No.
Harrison Ford's portrayal as Dodgers owner Brach Rickey in the Jackie Robinson movie "42" gives us a hint of what Indiana Jones might look like in his 80s, which would be the case for a possible "Indy 6" set in the Watergate-era 1970s. So let's just stop at "Indy 5," shall we?